By Noor AlKhars

KUWAIT: It is said that human beings are their purest, most unfiltered self the day they are born. The very first day they step foot into the world, free of the shackles and limitations of society’s expectations based on the gender they came as into this world. Gendered socialization often happens from learned behavior — boys and girls start to come to terms with what is expected of them solely based on their gender despite them having the same capacities at birth. So, how is it that during their formative years, they’ve already developed behaviors and adopted roles associated with what is expected of them as girls and boys?

In the Arab world, most boys are taught from an exceptionally young age that they’re not allowed to cry on the playground if they ever got hurt as it is unmanly, that they are allowed to roam the streets without a chaperone as it gears them up for independence, and that no one has the right to belittle or humiliate them as it could harm their ego and, possibly, their masculinity. Girls learn from a very young age that it is expected of them to be obedient, tidy, passive, and have less options when it comes to activities or hobbies in general. Initially, the family or household dynamic is the first thing that children are introduced to.

“I’ve been taking care of my younger siblings, helping my mother out my entire life, and what kills me is that I still ask for permission to do things on my own despite being 27 years old,” said Aya. “As a woman, you constantly compensate for not being a man. So, you work twice as hard just to prove you’re worth being taken seriously. So, it does not matter that I help my mother out by basically being a third parent, this does not grant me the life that I want. Why? Because it is simply expected of me.”

When girls are brought up in a society that treats them as second-degree citizens no matter where they are in life, it eventually gets buried in the subconscious to never ask for more and never take up space as some girls truly believe they are unable to get tasks done without a guardian. They learn to depend on adults rather than themselves as they sense the behaviors that are expected of them by their parents, and so they act accordingly as men were always considered the showrunners despite these women being fully functioning adults who are capable of the same experiences as men.

“Women are expected to be caregivers, nurturers, teachers, and therapists. We fix things, we always have the answer, but are not allowed to run things or do things independently as this may hinder any chance of us getting married. They teach men to be providers their entire lives and God forbid a woman is independent and can provide for herself, she is instantly seen as unwomanly. We don’t want to come off too strong, otherwise we’re too intimidating and no man would want to come near us,” Aya said laughing.

The very first years of any child’s life are extremely crucial as they are extremely influential as well as impressionable — their brains are basically sponges where they mimic, mirror, and absorb every bit of mannerisms presented in front of them. Studies have shown that children notice how their parents react to certain things, as well. So, with girls choosing pink and boys opting for the monster truck, the parents’ reaction is usually positive, making their kids think that there is a right answer as well as a wrong one. Here, the child’s brain starts categorizing and putting things in boxes for them to understand things better.

In some societies, girls are not allowed to study abroad whereas men are often encouraged as well as emotionally supported by their parents to do so. Frequently, girls talk about how heartbreaking it is to have grown up in the same household but have a completely different experience of ‘life’ as their very own siblings solely because of their gender. 19-year-old Ayah expresses how somewhat disappointing it is to “see your parents be supportive of my brother continuing his studies abroad whereas my father’s excuse for me not being able to do so is because he is scared.”

“I have been told numerous times that it might be too much for me to handle as he does not believe I can navigate my way around a foreign city on my own, but even if that were true, I was never really taught to be my own person and experience life on my own terms. As girls, we learn to fit the stereotype as much as possible, there is no such thing as a woman with her own personality, so no one truly knows who you are or what you’re capable of, not even myself.”

Aya said women are “constantly breaking (themselves) into digestible pieces and making (themselves) small especially when a man is around.” Her brother, on the other hand, thinks it’s unfair for society to put so much pressure on men. “We are ridiculed for the weirdest things like showing emotion, what do you mean I’m not allowed to cry?” he laughs. “I think boys never get to be kids whereas girls are treated like kids forever”.